I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
