the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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