My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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