I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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