My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
