Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
