I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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