We're facebook friends in real life
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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