yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
