i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Randomize
