Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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