my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Couch. On fire.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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