I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
