I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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