And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
He passed out mid-signature
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
