She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Drunk is not a location!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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