Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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