i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
