So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
