see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
