sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
