god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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