There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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