get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
