Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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