Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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