im about as happy as oj after his trial
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
