Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize