I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
