I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
