spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
