Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
