Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize