A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
