our cab driver is having phone sex.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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