there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
