accomplished twins. life is a go
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
