I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Your penis caused this!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
