11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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