u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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