so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
