he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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