I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
