do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
