worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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