Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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