I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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