She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
