toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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