It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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