Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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