He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
don't judge my taste in strippers
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
