Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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