The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
