I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
