we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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