hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
