So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
