Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Vodka?
Forever.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
