paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
