The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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