It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
