So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
