I think I won the penis lottery.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
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