RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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