I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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