I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
