what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize